Out of the Waters' mouth

After all these years, this phrase can finally be brought up in a normal conversation: Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun

The Almighty is truly an awesome sonofagun.

Bubl and Squick

Sociopathy, when you actually think about it, is not really such a big deal. It's only when you start imposing it on others that you become a bit of a pain in the arse.

Weiss Vs. Faux Pale Ale

The third beer on a weeknight as a concept by itself is not a particularly appealing one. Unfortunately, it does not exist independently and should only be considered in the context in which it comes to life i.e. after the first two.

This simple misconception about a glaring reality of life has led to numerous individuals suffering from 3.5 hours of a night's sleep on numerous occasions and waking up smelling like garlic knots.

Coat, Uncoat 1

Flesh-eating monkeys on backs are most definitely not considered high quality appendages in the civilised world. At least not for non-millionaires.

In case you didn't know already...

... fat people suck

Great tits cope well with warming

Well, according to the beeb, at any rate.

Proof that Alternative Medicine works

I once knew a chap who knew another chap who anecdotally in passing said that a retard on a bicycle once pedaled all the way up to his house and stuck a few magnets on his dad's back and cured him completely of terminal leukemia.

Is that my 2001 Beaujolais escaping down your tight leather trousers?

You know you're at the wrong kind of party when a frosty silence greets you when you, in all innocence, chuckle and ask, "No seriously, what do you do?"

One bounce-one hand is OUT in most civilised cultures, thanks very much

Anyone following developments in the cricket world in the recent few months would be aware that we are standing on the cusp of a historic divide within the game, much bigger even, than the Kerry Packer backed World Series saga of the 80s. All the shows of wealth and power and bickering and acrimony and millions of dollars in endorsements have ensured that cricket will split into a rebel format and a... non-rebel format.

You guessed it, I'm talking about Aussie Rules Cricket (ARC) and um... well, Cricket.

ARC is somewhat similar to cricket, with a few of the basic rules modified by the Aussies. It wouldn't be called Aussie Rules otherwise, would it? For those of you unfamiliar with this exciting breakaway format, here are some of the new rules:

1)The Australian captain is the arbiter of all on field decisions. All appeals are referred to him and he uses his vast cricketing knowledge and years of experience to make the final decision grounded firmly in justice and fairness, but also, more importantly, on what suits his team best.

2)The Umpires' roles are largely symbolic and their only use is to rubber-stamp decisions made by the Australian captain.

Note: There is one exception to this rule. The Umpires are allowed to make independent decisions only when they are, what would commonly be known in the old-fashioned cricket world as, "wrong" in favour of the Aussies. Purely hypothetical examples of this include Ricky Ponting nicking Ganguly down the leg side to be caught by Dhoni and being given not out, Andrew Symonds getting a thick edge on a leg-cutter from Ishant Sharma to be caught behind and given not out and Andrew Symonds once again being reprieved by the Third Umpire this time, off a stumping appeal when his foot was clearly in the air as the bails were being removed*.

*Needless to say, Symonds went on to make a big hundred.... hypothetically speaking, that is.

3)There is no such thing as "sledging". "Exchanging Plesantries" will be the commonly accepted phrase, though some of the harsher and better established Channel 9 crictics will be allowed to get away with calling it Mental Disintegration. Though only in a nostalgic and endearing way. The exchange of plesantries allows the Australian team to raise extremely pertinent social topics such as shagging the opposition batsman's wife/mother/girlfriend/sister/pets and other flesh relatives. Question can also be raised about the legitimacy of the batsman's parents' marriage. Nothing racist, however, can ever be uttered... because that's just plain wrong. Anything the opposition player says in his native language will be assigned the English racially insensitive phrase that bears the closest phonetic resemblance**. And that as we know, is just plain wrong and therefore is in breach of the rules.

**Needless to say, teri maaki went on to make a big hundred.

The list goes on.

So watch this new fantastic league, as its righteous superstars contrive to acheive bigger and better world records, because Aussie Rules! Remember, after everything is said and done, this is ultimately a gentleman's game... its just not cricket.

An Introduction to Three Different Kinds of Dyslexia

One of the few* great aspects of talking to someone you're not in a relationship with, is when you zone out while they are talking, with the blank expression you reserve for such occasions, and noticing which they ask you, "What's up?", you could reply with just a "nothing" and the conversation would immediately continue as if nothing happened.

*smart move